How to be Loved in Your Language!

Every person has a love language that helps them connect more deeply with people and help them develop lasting relationships.

In His book, “The 5 Love Languages” , Dr. Gary Chapman lists 5 ways that people generally show and receive loved. In most cases we show love the way we would like to receive love, although there are a few exceptions. For example, even though you feel loved when someone gives you a gift, you may show love by spending time with people. Generally, the same way you want to be shown love is the same way you attempt to love those around you.

Although Dr. Chapman has encapsulated the way we feel loved through his years of working with couples and making his observations, Jesus already knew what would make us feel loved and show love. Jesus tells us how to love, He shows us what God is looking for, what we need and what our neighbors need. This encapsulates every person associated with our life, everyday.

In Luke 10:25-37 Jesus is explaining to a lawyer how the Law of Love works. It involves, God, you and your neighbor. You’re not fully getting the benefits and reward for loving if these three are not working in sync with each other. God has set things up so that you love Him first, yourself second and your neighbor third. Loving your neighbor third is not to be confused with putting others first. Loving yourself first is to follow God’s order and protocol so that you have love to love your neighbor with. Makes sense?

What I need to Do

  1. You have to know the language you speak – If you are expecting someone to speak love to you, they must know what dialect to speak. If they speak acts of service, and you only understand love to be giving of gifts, there will be a disconnect and a miscommunication of love. This will happen every time. It would be like me speaking Spanish to someone who only understands and speaks French. No matter how loudly or what Spanish words I speak, the person to whom I speak will only grow tired and frustrated because they do not understand what I’m saying to them, yet I expect them to be happy that we’re having a conversation.
  2. Love God – If you are mad at God and it’s developed to hatred, you are breaking the “sandwich” that God has put in place. You will come up unfulfilled. They build on each other. It will be difficult to love yourself, if you don’t love God.
  3. Love Yourself – If you hate yourself, it would be difficult if not impossible to love your neighbor. You cannot give out to someone what you cannot even do for you. If you don’t love yourself because you think that you are too bad of a person or that you are not good enough, “if only people knew the real you”. Then it’s the same way that you love other people. Anyone that you perceive is not good enough or that they are too “bad” of a person, will not be showed love by you. This is the order that God set things in motion.
  4. Love Your Neighbor – Everyone seem to think they have this one under control. They think that they don’t have a problem loving others. Well if you don’t love who God created you to be and who you are capable of being, you cannot love the same qualities or faults in someone else.

How to Figure Out Your Love Language

Your love language can be arranged into five categories and can be figured out quite easily. Here are the categories as stated in Dr. Gary Chapman’s book, The 5 Love Languages:

1.Words of Affirmation (kinds words, notes, affirming words), 2. Acts of Service (helping with chores, serving anytime something needs to be done), 3. Receiving Gifts (loves to give spontaneous gifts, especially when visiting or if they went on a trip somewhere), 4. Quality Time (sharing undivided attention with each other, could be in person or on the phone, as long as conversation is happening uninterrupted), 5. Physical Touch (being touched lovingly and on purpose, hugs)

Ask yourself these questions to help you figure out which one is your language.

  1. Which one of these actions would I miss if my loved one keeps refusing to offer it?
  2. Which one do I find myself withholding from people who I am upset with or feel don’t love me?
  3. I feel so taken for granted because no one has bothered to                                      for a long time.
  4. If I could just have one day where my family does                                         for me.

Track yourself for the next few days and see where your thoughts go when you are thinking of how great it would be if someone would just do this for me, to show me that they care.

I look forward to hearing your findings. Share with us.

With love,

Fiona Pyszka

fionas picture for websiteAbout Fiona Pyszka

Fiona is Co-Pastor of Victory Christian Fellowship with her husband, Doug, who is the Senior Pastor. She has two sons, 10 and 2 (yep that’s right:)) and she loves to help people discover and walk in their purpose. Along with being a wife, mother and co-pastor, she is also the founder and President of Fiona Inc., a company dedicated to helping people discover their purpose in life. WOVEN was developed over a decade ago to help women develop their boldness in the things of God and everyday life.  

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